Become Your Own Guru
There once was a fierce young woman whose purpose in life was to find the Book of Wisdom. She knew that once she opened its contents, life would be different. She would understand why she was here, and she would finally know how best to live. Climbing precarious mountains, fighting through thick jungles, and swimming across shark-ridden oceans, it took her 30 years before she finally found the sacred hollow where the Book of Wisdom lay. With rapt attention, she held the book, heavy in her arms, and slowly, carefully pulled back its ancient, ornate cover. Inside: was a mirror.
Some of us think that somehow we are not equipped to do what we want to do. Maybe we don’t have what it takes, we wonder insecurely.
There’s another book to read, another class to take. Another influencer’s blog to read about how we can be successful and better. It’s other people that have the answers and the perfect life these days. We’re the imposters that don’t belong.
When you’re starting something brand new, there is an inevitable precariousness. You don’t know what you’re doing because it has never been done before. You have to stand on the loose rocks beneath your feet as if they are solid.
They aren’t now, but they will be.
We had a Meetup the other day, and it was our turn as people with big, new ideas to stand up and talk about them like they were already realized. Jeff is the master of speaking about how great something will be before it happens. Other people see the mess, the limitations, the impossibility. Jeff sees that mess and knows the limitations, but he turns around and talks about it like it’s solid gold. I think this is because he knows nothing is solid gold at first. Everything new starts off as a terrifying mess. The baby is born, and there is not just some bright, happy baby. There is blood, mucus, poop, placenta — I don’t even wanna know what else. Oh and crying. Ear-splitting crying.
It can be especially hard to start operating like a leader and a founder when you’re a recovering student. We’re used to taking, not creating. We’re used to being told what to do from people that know and fitting into systems that we already know work. Actors in particular often find themselves waiting to be cast, and the power is always in someone else’s hands. This is part of the reason I wanted to come to the Deep Dive and create a one-woman show I could take anywhere — I wanted to be able to cast myself.
There are two kinds of knowledge. The first is knowledge we get from outside forces like books, teachers, speakers, and classes; the second is knowledge we get from ourselves — from experience and self-reflection. Both are important, but I would argue that the second is more important. We are inundated with advertisements from assured voices that tell us they know how to help us. We, knowledge beggars, wait with our hands outstretched for lecturers and gurus to give us alms, forgetting that we are fully equipped to be our own gurus. People spend thousands of dollars (I’m not even talking about college) to change their lives. Some internet personality has the secret to success. For the tiny investment of $5,000, your life can be magically transformed by someone else. It’s amazing how well these strangers know us….
If you’re going to read a book or take a class, you have to look at it as if it were clay. You’re already born with some great clay (your intuition and highly capable brain), and you can get more clay from a number of sources: experience, self-reflection, classes, etc. After a class, you may have some more clay you want to use to mold into something else, but remember that the ideas and concepts you take away are not sacred scripture. They are merely suggestions that you can apply and shape in any way that you want.
The best teachers don’t teach their students — they facilitate them being their own teachers. They create opportunities for leadership, clarify thoughts, and ask good questions.
And despite whatever your friend told you about that fabulous class that CHANGED HER LIFE, our lives do not totally change because of any one workshop or class. And thank goodness! How ridiculous would that be if our whole development hinged on a few hours of instruction? A few days? A month? We change because of a million moments, from thousands of insights that we get from taking in information from our experiences and seeing what resonates with us. If you try to wear someone else’s insight just because it sounds good it will always feel like a phony Halloween costume. You might wear it for a little uncomfortable while, but eventually it’ll go back in the attic and you’ll be in normal clothes that don’t look like they could double as a stripper costume.
Unless that’s your thing. No judgement.
Either way, your answer will ultimately have to come from you.
I asked a man who has his own workshops on dealing with fear if he would mind answering a few questions I had about how he runs his workshops. I had enjoyed some of the key ideas from his book, and his medium for working with fear was skiing. I thought wow! I’d better see what he does in his workshops so I can feel more secure about mine (A classic case of wanting to latch onto something that already exists instead of just testing out something new and trusting my intuition on something that could be way cooler).
I sent him an email asking if he would mind corresponding, and he was happy to — for the mere price of $400.00 an hour. For as long as I liked.
I realized two things:
1. That price is reasonable for a person who is an entrepreneur and is just trying to make a living.
2. That price is also absolutely f%$#ing ridiculous for a person in my current financial situation
I’m so grateful that the price was so absurd for what I could afford because it was like jumping into the vat of ice-cold water at the Russian sauna— I was woke. What did I really want to learn from him that I couldn’t get from his book? Was his book even that cohesive? I remember being frustrated by the circuitous writing and strange layout of the book. And the irritating “you might not be ready for this book” introduction that felt like it would never end and was completely unnecessary. So much fat. So much fluff. He also made it seem like I would have to become a Zen Buddhist to fully understand his ideas, and monkhood is not exactly on the calendar for this year so….
400 dollars later (or God forbid more), I wasn’t going to be a different person. I would still have my demons. I would still feel weird and miserable sometimes, and I would still have to wash my dishes, squish cockroaches, go through awkward failures, feel insecure sometimes, take showers, and find my own answers to my problems.
You have to read and approach new ideas from a perspective of high self esteem and personal power. Otherwise you get caught up in someone else’s conviction, his fame, her accomplishments, the certainty of their “rightness” as decided by the media/the publisher/the reviews. They’re a best seller! They worked with Beyoncé (lucky bastards).
A better question might be: How do I find the best way to live for me, without getting swayed by louder, more expensive, more assured sounding outside voices? How do I do what we were all meant to do since birth: walk our very own, individual paths.
After poking more and more holes into the marketing facade, I suddenly realized that there was nothing I needed or wanted to know from this woman. It was time to cut the cord.
Look for the people who faciliate you finding your own answers. Believe, pretend, or act like you’re good enough now. Think what you think, do what you want to do, and stand by it, especially if the shit hits the fan. You’ll learn from the mistakes, you’ll revel in the successes. More importantly, it will not be theirs. It will be:
yours.
Tailor-made.
